Posts tagged ‘overview’

Choice

I’m writing to those who might be looking for a different choice. You don’t have to embrace homosexuality as an identity. Some of you will remind me,

Homosexuality is not a choice!

I never got to choose who I became totally dumbstruck drawn towards. There was no conscious choice involved in noticing how enticing certain members of my own sex are. You are right. I didn’t choose, so much you can say that I was born this way, perhaps even made this way, end of story.

Except, this is not where the story ends, right? I had choices to make, and going to a liberal school, I had many choices that seemed easier, less painful, and more satisfying.

I chose to open up to others with a question. I chose to expose the pain I felt inside. I chose to become in touch with my desire to become whole… not to change, but to be whole.

Today, my desire still points towards certain types of men. Though greatly diminished in the way this desire might take over my thoughts and actions, it’s still there and I’m not certain if it’s ever meant to be completely gone. So I have to continue to make choices.

I have a wife and two sons. At some point in my life, I chose my wife (and she chose me), to some extent I chose to have these children, and today I choose to stay with them as long as I remain alive. It’s not that hard of a choice.

Choosing “yes” to something means I have to choose “no” to other things, right?

Sometimes I find myself choosing contrary to the thread of choices I’ve made thus far.

Many times I thought of giving up, many times I had been offered a chance of living a double life. I choose today to live with integrity because I enjoy hearing God’s voice every day. The adventure I get to have with my Father above far exceeds any escapade I might theoretically have. The real choice I made that started this all was that I choose to walk with my creator. In reality, it was God who made the big choices for me, and all I had to say was “yes.”

The choice becomes easier and easier each day.

Stump

Why I created this stump, is because I wanted to tell my story, to help myself, and to perhaps help you.

Now that I’ve actually had the courage to start this, just thinking about making my first post is making me want to throw up. I will have to trust that this is a good sign to push harder.

If I don’t keep coming back to write, I will have lost. This blog will remain a stump like so many others out there. I’ve wanted to tell my story for the last 10 years, but I didn’t. I don’t want to lose this battle with myself.

New life came from the stump that got hacked down. Oh, the outline of the stump is still there, clear to any passerby that great injury was done to a tree that had to start all over again. I believe I have to get through my next stage in growing up, but that won’t happen until I continue to clear away the weeds.

I hope to show you here a boy, a boy hungry for belonging, a boy hungry for protection, a boy hungry for love, a boy mourning the loss of his best friend, a boy seeking his distant big brother, a boy longing for his distracted father …a boy who was so starved, hungered for the embrace of a man.

A boy, who stopped growing up, even as his outer appearance became much like the very men that he longed for.

That boy discovered a Creator who longed to embrace, to be my father, to be my best friend, to look into my eyes and say “I love you.”

He took my hand and gave me back my father, mended the link with my brother, and gave me many friends.

He took what might have remained a stump, nurtured the shoots and brought up the magnificent tree I was meant to be, now beginning to bear fruit.

I know that there are others like me. I want to break through silence, through the embarrassment, through the insecurity and the fear, so that those like me can hear the words, “you’ll make it through.”

Thanks for letting me hold your hand.

David.