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Dealing with Extramarital Attractions (Part 2)

My epiphany as I began analyzing exactly what traits I was attracted to and why:

I am admiring really good qualities about these people. They deserve admiration in these aspects. But to some degree I have been confusing this kind of admiration with ROMANTIC attraction.

At the beginning of our marriage, I was still very vulnerable emotionally, so encountering men with the qualities I tend to be attracted to may have been a little more dangerous, but at the point I’m at now, I feel free to say I don’t have to act like it’s the end of the world if I see something positive about another man, and there’s something about them that makes them attractive to me.

Now if I am in a vulnerable place in my relationship with David (which still happens here and there, trust me) I am more prone to take this basic, appropriate admiration and twist it into a desire for something more, more than a passing thought that perhaps these men would have an inclination to direct some of these good qualities towards ME.

This is the moment I think I am learning to recognize in a healthy way. And instead of freaking out as I used to, that OH NO I’M ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE ELSE I’M BREAKING MY WEDDING VOWS OH MY GOODNESS I CAN’T BELIEVE IT etc. etc. etc. I am realizing that if I can keep my head on straight, actually, I can recognize that moment as a signal that there has been a disconnect in my relationship with David, and probably also with God, and it’s time to seek restoration THERE, in these places of covenant, rather than focus on the distraction.

I know it’s not always that simple. David recently went through several months of serious depression. Me trying to ‘restore the relationship’ too hard would have only driven him away more. In that case, I found my peace with God and learned to walk well without the joy of living with one heart, mind and purpose with my husband. It was good. I am learning that how I’m doing has a lot more to do with me and my choices and my heart, than how he is doing.

I still need to fight the lie that if he is not doing well, then I must be doing something wrong, that somewhere under the layers of what is going on, it must be all my fault.

But I’ve begun tasting the fruit of not falling into that lie, where if I continue on steady and strong, it brings him back to me that much more beautifully.

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