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Who are you?

David. Nice to meet you.

Are you for real?

Yes. And there are others like me.

Are you a homosexual?

Yes. I am attracted to other men, vastly varying in intensity according to my own life-stage, spiritual and emotional health, and of course, the appearance of the man. Sometimes I’m merely appreciating the form, sometimes I’m wanting what he has, and sometimes I’m wanting his attention. Sometimes, I don’t even notice. Most of the time, it doesn’t really matter to me.

Who is the lady?

My wife, Jenny. She will tell her story from the perspective of a wife of a man who is attracted to his own gender.

Are you a heterosexual?

Yes. I’m smitten with love for my wife. However, I’m (usually) not attracted to other women.

Then, are you bisexual?

Err, Yes. If you want to call me that. As I hope to show you, these categories don’t work.

Are you ex-gay?

I’ve never used that term to describe myself. Like many others who share my experience today, I don’t like that term and what it connotes. It’s not descriptive. And yet, it’s a convenient short-hand. So yes.

Do you have to fake it?

Not in the least. Fake what?

Why are you in denial?

Aren’t we all, in some way or another? I want to continue to dig through the depths of my own self-deception.

Why do you repress yourself?

I repress gorging myself with chocolate ice-cream so that I can have room for the 7 course dinner. I say no to good things so that I can say yes to other good things.

Have you ever done it?

With a man? Depending on what ‘it’ is, you can count zero, or one. I’ve since apologized for the prank I pulled on him, but he claims no harm was done. We were both very young. In my later years, though I definitely wanted it, I never got that far with another person, most likely because I never made it “out of the closet” and eventually found a trapdoor in the ceiling. Thus my experience on my wedding night had no prior reference point, and my becoming “one-flesh” with her has been my only frame of reference since. I hope to never have to change this answer.

Do you want it now?

Not really. If faced with the real opportunity, I’m not sure if I would take it, and risk inflicting severe wounds on myself and on others I love. That said, I’m also here to be honest and say I still feel “hungry.”

Hungry for what?

That’s what I’m here to explore.

Are you in the closet?

Not any more! I have about 100 people so far I trust that know my story. Now you join them. Please hold my story in good confidence. I trust you.

Are you saying “change is possible?” (sm)

Yes, but not always, and it doesn’t matter.

Have you changed?

Yes. A lot. I’m sure I’ll never be done.

What gender are you?

I feel male most of the time. But a man? Sometimes. I did dream once as a child my brother was telling me that they’ve made a mistake all along, and put a dress on me. I was effeminate, but I never thought I wanted to be born with two X chromosomes.

What does SSA stand for?

“Same-sex attractions.” It’s a way of separating out the identity side of being gay from the day-to-day experience of being gay. It’s also a way of trying to get around all the inadequate labels to describe what is going on with people like me by using such a self-explanatory term.

Have you ever been part of an ex-gay ministry?

For a few years a participant, yes. Not as a leader. I’ve never been to a conference, nor have I been in a live-in group. I have no horror stories to share.

Have you had “reparative-therapy?”

Not with a counselor or therapist, no. I read books, I had friends who asked questions and listened. My intense relationship with God and all the things He’s doing in the world and personally weaving in my life continues to do the real “therapy” and the “repair.”

What books do you recommend?

Lots. Check the Resources section.

Where are you from?

California, South Korea, and a bunch of other places.

Are you Christian?

I follow Jesus.

Did you grow up in the church?


Were you a Christian all your life?


What do you believe?

I don’t have a formal statement of faith ready here, but in short, at some point in my life, I got to know Jesus (Yeshua of Nazareth), and follow him, who I believe entered a specific time and space in his creation two thousand years ago, and yet lives in me, lives through me, loves me, and speaks to me today. His death and resurrection sealed my destiny, and it unfolds in unexpected ways.

Who are you writing to?

Andrew, who now is sure what he feels inside makes him different, perhaps even hated. He doesn’t know whether to embrace his feelings, or embrace the sense that this is somehow not right. I’m going to share the very confusion and pain I felt, and tell him that it’s better to let the one who’s made him and put him on the earth write the rest of the story. I will tell him to join the bigger story unfolding around the globe today. I want to hear his pain and give him hope.

Mike, a completely naive, homophobe church-goer who’s just had his world turned upside down. Andrew opened up to Mike not too long ago, and now Mike needs some answers. I will tell him that people like me are everywhere, and we hurt very deeply and need his love. I will show there are many others like Andrew in his own church, and every crass joke pierces, every callous sermon crushes. I will show him that “those people” outside the church are just like Andrew in every way. I will tell him that just about everything he says sounds like “hate the sinner,” so please just shut up. I will show him that God put people like us in the Body of Christ not to just be homogenized but to express the true and pure beauty in the special ways he’s built men and women like us. I want to hear his questions.

Brian, who years ago has decided to embrace his feelings. Like everyone else, he knows that things are never simple, and there are always different ways of looking at life. I’m not here to tell him he took the wrong path. I’m going to attempt to show him that the creator has a way of invading life and turning everything upside down, as it as happened for me. I want to hear how this story strikes him.

My wife will be writing to Sandra, a young woman who is considering exploring the possibility of marriage with a man who struggles with same-sex attractions. My wife will relate her experience, the struggles, the risks and warning signs. She will want to hear from you your confusion and frustrations and offer clarity.

Why won’t you answer me?

Maybe I just ran out of time, and I don’t have time to personally answer all of you. In that case, please keep trying to get my attention! Send me another email, post another comment.

Maybe you’re Simon, a debate-club grand master. You’ve made up your mind about what you believe and everything I say doesn’t make any sense to you, and quite likely, makes you angry. Please excuse me if I don’t find the time to explain myself or spend hours trying to defend myself, because I’m not that good at it.

Or you are Hector, the neighborhood troll. I’m sorry, I’m here to talk with Andrew, Mike, and Brian. My wife is here to share life with Sandra. I won’t let you ruin that for us.

What new thing do you have to add to the discussion?

Well, for one, it’s harder for Andrew to come across the perspective of one who has never taken the plunge into identifying with being “gay.” That’s probably because people like me were never “out of the closet,” and thus have to take a huge step out in order to make our story public.

Also, I see a distinct lack of Asian-American voices, or even Korean voices who speak from my viewpoint.

Are you Korean?

Yes. Korean American. Second Generation or “1.5 generation” depending on which part of my experience you look at. My parents are both Korean, born in Korea and arrived in America as young adults. I was born in the United States, but I spent part of my younger years in South Korea.

Why do so many Koreans act gay when they’re not?

That’s because you’re calling something “green” when Koreans call it “just another shade of blue.” Traditionally, there was no dividing line, until you got to the very end of the Kinsey scale. I hope to shed some light on this topic—how it affected me growing up in Korea and how it still seems to manifest even among second generation Koreans, whether it’s the metrosexual thing or public male-on-male physical intimacy.


Yes. Three tumbly cubs.

What do you do?

I work in the software industry.

Why do you hate?

I hope you come to see that I’m really not. I also hope you see that others don’t either.

Do you have all the answers?

No. I don’t think anyone really does.

Can I send you my story?

Yes, please. Send to

So, back then, were you coming onto me?

Sorry, if I gave you that impression. I hope you get to see through this blog that I’m just hungry for real connecting, especially with men. Quite likely you weren’t “my type,” if you’re wondering. OK, maybe I was interested in getting your attention. You’re just such a stud… and your hugs are just liquid love.

However, now that you know, I wouldn’t want to make our friendship all weird (if you don’t see me THAT way) and make my life all complicated (if you happen to see me THAT way). So let’s stay friends–better friends–from now on.

Can I stalk you?

That’s your choice, but my wife knows “my type,” so she’ll spot you a mile away. Trust me, it won’t be that satisfying in the end. You’re welcome to stick around for my story, but I hope you never figure out where I live.

Mac or PC?


Can I give you a hug?

Yes, I am starved for hugs. I don’t know why some people have that “personal distance” thing. Since you’re reading this blog, please leave a nice note, or float me a message at

I’m a man. Can I still give you a hug?

Yes, please. A bear hug. And don’t let go first.