Choice

I’m writing to those who might be looking for a different choice. You don’t have to embrace homosexuality as an identity. Some of you will remind me,

Homosexuality is not a choice!

I never got to choose who I became totally dumbstruck drawn towards. There was no conscious choice involved in noticing how enticing certain members of my own sex are. You are right. I didn’t choose, so much you can say that I was born this way, perhaps even made this way, end of story.

Except, this is not where the story ends, right? I had choices to make, and going to a liberal school, I had many choices that seemed easier, less painful, and more satisfying.

I chose to open up to others with a question. I chose to expose the pain I felt inside. I chose to become in touch with my desire to become whole… not to change, but to be whole.

Today, my desire still points towards certain types of men. Though greatly diminished in the way this desire might take over my thoughts and actions, it’s still there and I’m not certain if it’s ever meant to be completely gone. So I have to continue to make choices.

I have a wife and two sons. At some point in my life, I chose my wife (and she chose me), to some extent I chose to have these children, and today I choose to stay with them as long as I remain alive. It’s not that hard of a choice.

Choosing “yes” to something means I have to choose “no” to other things, right?

Sometimes I find myself choosing contrary to the thread of choices I’ve made thus far.

Many times I thought of giving up, many times I had been offered a chance of living a double life. I choose today to live with integrity because I enjoy hearing God’s voice every day. The adventure I get to have with my Father above far exceeds any escapade I might theoretically have. The real choice I made that started this all was that I choose to walk with my creator. In reality, it was God who made the big choices for me, and all I had to say was “yes.”

The choice becomes easier and easier each day.