What if? Didn’t I? Who am I to judge? Is nothing impossible for God?

*I usually only post extremely well-processed things on here.  Even with this care, I know too well if the wrong-minded people get their hands on my words without my heart, there is SO much room for misinterpretation and we constantly write with the risk of having our words used against us.

**In stark contrast, this post is under-processed and I am using this blog as a place to attempt to process this externally a bit.  Why?  I’m not sure yet; I just somehow feel (at this time) that it will be helpful.

So here goes…

 

What if my husband were to find himself entangled in a same-sex relationship, both physical and emotional?  Could I forgive him?  Would we get over it?  Is it perhaps something that he needs to do to see firsthand that it’s not going to fulfill him after all?

We’ve known for years he needs to be in emotionally healthy, but close relationships with other men.    He needs it.  It’s a legitimate need.  We both want more of this.

But the truth is, I know his type.  I know which kind of man is dangerous territory for my man, and I’d be lying if I said I had no qualms about him meeting such men, particularly one on one.  (Now there are a few men fitting his ‘type’ who are mature, trustworthy, and not in the least attracted to my husband physically, who I have no qualms about him meeting.  I’m talking about men of unknown character and relationship to us.)

And my instinct is to keep my husband away from such men.

And then I feel guilty.  Are my fears (and his) somehow sabotaging this key to growth?  Do I not trust him enough?

Even King Solomon in all his wisdom, gained some of it by trying things out.

10 I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
    I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
    and this was the reward for all my toil.
11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
    and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
    nothing was gained under the sun.

According to these verses from Ecclesiastes 2, he learned by experience.

Personally, my strongest convictions have come from doing the wrong thing and learning ‘the hard way’ that it didn’t bring the life, love or fulfillment I was seeking.

So in my strange logic, I wonder at times if David simply needs to get out there and try out what he has always wanted, but has chosen away from.

Why the fact that this is adultery and betraying me and our family doesn’t seem to bother me in these moments of wonderings is strange to me.  The idea that this would ‘bother’ me is actually a ridiculous understatement.  It would devastate me and I would leave at least temporarily, and strongly consider becoming those parents whose communication mainly consists of working out child care arrangements for weekends and vacations.

But on the other hand, if he were to explore this, I can easily imagine that we would still be there for each other as we always have, processing what is going on together and more than likely getting out of the entanglement rather quickly.

Wouldn’t it be smooth sailing from there?

And yet, I can’t imagine that it would.  According to the Maker we love, our marriage bed is to be kept just for us.  David ‘going there’ would cause damage of a different flavor than the damage I caused with my experience before we married.

 

 

But isn’t our Redeemer just that, our Redeemer?  Doesn’t he take our mistakes and turn them into good, ‘for the good of those who love him?’

But then, is holding a seasoned believer of twenty years to the same standard of a naive teenage girl really our Redeemer’s way of working?  I don’t think so.

But then, we know we will not be perfect in this life.  So we will continue to need the reality of our Redeemer as desperately as in our youth.

All those influential men who have fallen in leadership, is it just an inevitable end?  Ted Haggard comes to mind.  I know he has found redemption after his fall.  His wife has forgiven him.  He probably walks with more humility now than ever before possible.  Maybe it wasn’t inevitable, but it wasn’t the end.

But though I know our same Redeemer would walk with us through that path with the same grace, I would never choose to walk that path on purpose.

But being driven by the fear of ever having to walk that path may inadvertently lead us right there.

So I’m back where I started.  How to encourage him to grow in healthy friendships with men while keeping it ‘safe.’

I need to cling, and it’s not to David.  I need to cling closely to the One who tells us whether a risky step is putting our feet in the river before he parts it into dry land, or if it’s stepping into dangerous waters not meant for our frames.

In clinging to him, my confusion is cleared up by his light.  In clinging to my Redeemer who is alive and well, I am free once again to operate in love and not in fear.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them… There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  -1 John 4:16b, 18

I want to live in love.  I want to live in God.  But most of all, I want God to live in me.  The little bits I have tasted this have been amazing.  And yes, such living does drive out fear.  I want more of this, and in this love, I will find the answer I’m looking for, or maybe see more clearly that there are better questions I could be asking.